Feeling like a kid, 4th pregnancy and miscarriage..
Hey again;
Wow, well, I'd never thought I would blog about My life in this way, so fair warning, I may jump around a bit from backwards in My life to now on this re-living puberty thing. So, no, its not what I signed up for. Trying to describe living with this "condition" and feeling like I did at 10-11 years old, emotionally and sometimes mentally, in all honesty, sucks! When this renewal of a fresh and constantly producing a baby dairy farm, and periods of what Young Girls experience first happened to Me. I honestly thought that I finally had the chance to experience what it would be like having My own child/children and well, I was like "wow!". So even though Gary wasn't keen about having more children, when this first happened to Me, He was very supportive, and we talked about it and He said; "Okay lets see what happens". Then after a long engagement, which already felt like marriage anyway, we marry in 2015. We already knew how we felt; we've been so tight in our relationship anyway. Anyway, I'm digressing. Well, after our chat and trying to be "safe" without bc, I got the surprise of My life on April fools day 2016! For real, thats when I've been feeling weird and thought, hmm.. nah... no way. So, on a hunch, I took one of those tinkle tests. And lo and behold! Shocked and I showed Gary. We still couldn't believe it, so off to the Doctors' We went. Turned out that I was nearly 8 wks pregnant. We both, still couldn't believe it and My shock became happiness. You see, all My life, after being a glorified babysitter over My four siblings, babysitting My cousins, and an ex-friend's two boys, and since 2006 being a StepMother to Gary's children, (which I so wish that I gave birth to them and been their real Mother); I thought, okay, if this is what God's willing, GREAT, I can do it, Gary and I can do it. And It was just before I turned 40, so. Okay, lets see.
I did everything I could do to be careful, not over strain Myself, Gary was so supportive, We were just starting to choose names, and get silly by calling Him "Parsely". We were so sure We were going to have a Son. And then the early morning of Gary's Daughters' High School Graduation; May 31st 2016...BAM! Pains.. Bad ones, contractions. Damm. I knew I was going to lose this baby.
Next thing You know, I was in the ER at Shands' Hospital. Crying and still trying to stay calm. I remember distinctively praying so hard; asking God to not let Me lose this baby. Then in the same breath; honestly and truthfully, I said to God: "Not My will, but Yours Father. Not My will, Yours. You know whats best for Me.".
No sooner than I made that prayer. I was told that I lost the baby and that its heartbeat was going to ease up and stop. Poor Gary, having to be there for Me and for His Daughter on the most important day of Her life. So as He was back and forth from the Hospital to the house; which in all honestly, I told Him to do that and be there for Her. I sat in that ER and then going into a labour room. Then about an hour after Gary came back to find Me. The baby left My body and I held Him in My hands, feeling the last few moments of His breath. He left with what looked like a smile on His little face.
It took a year for us to finally collect Him at the crematory, to name Him and bury Him with a stone that We both chose. So I put this out there to maybe come to further terms. The first year after this loss, I screamed, lashed out, cried, drank alot, punished Myself and did everything I could do to NOT fall into a very bad depression. Got to the point to where I even got on an bc insert which made Me sick, so that had to go. The year after I got on ONE shot of depo, that was a bad idea too. Since Gary didnt want to have children, and I wasnt sure and still not sure; Im at the point to where its not worth even trying. But in My heart of hearts, most times Im pretty much content with that decision. Other times, I feel like this decision was made for Me. By fate. Gary hurts just as much as I do with this horrible loss, in which for Me, its hard not to look at it as My personal failure.
To Me, it is. And most days Im fine. Its the few days that Im not.
With the exception of the times I ovulate and feel like I'm on drugs with 100% insanity, fiery attitudes and anger and then crying every time I see diaper commercial. Fast forward to now, its nearly 3 years and there are times I still lash out, cry and go through My motions, and even moments of asking Gary for us to try again. Thing is, I almost died this last time and almost went paralyzed legs down. Thats what the Doctors told Me. So, to Me, this feels like once again I dont have this opportunity to have children of My own with the Man that I am truly in love with. Part of it is a stupid weak cervix. On the other hand, 20 years and probably longer, I've lived My life being just fine, being a rocker chick, crazy drummer, fun and normal without feeling the license to be cow and change like most Women seem to do when they have children. Now, I dont mean that as an insult. But they say You change, when You have children. And to be honest, I like Me the way I am. I'd rather not change. If this makes You crazy, mean and more meaner to Your Husband; NO THANKS!
Then on the other hand, I wonder if it's Gods will at all. Sometimes for Me being a Step Mother, and now a Step Grandmother, is more harder. Now, I don't blame Gary at all, and to those who say "why not ask Him?" Or "Why doesn't He?", don't look at Him like a POS. Because He is totally not and He is all that I ever wanted and dreamed for in My life.
My healing and this reversal of My age now in this way, is in My mind and heart. Hell. Its My hellhound. It's where My demons like to live. So day by day, minute to minute, My emotions, My melancholy, Me reliving like Im a teen, with all the anxt, and uncertainty, its causing Me to beef up My faith in God to see this through His way. Then there is moments of "dammit, Im going to have His children one way or another, then its "I HATE being a woman, I HATE what this has done to Me." And to be honest, its not about having children. For Me, this is about Ive become one of them. And Im starting over again in that way but at full throttle!
More to come.. Im going to go slip My headphones on and listen to Genesis...
Copywrite Ummps Bear Inc ®© 2019 -Sarajane Mary Ann Ward -All material is Mine. ©
Wow, well, I'd never thought I would blog about My life in this way, so fair warning, I may jump around a bit from backwards in My life to now on this re-living puberty thing. So, no, its not what I signed up for. Trying to describe living with this "condition" and feeling like I did at 10-11 years old, emotionally and sometimes mentally, in all honesty, sucks! When this renewal of a fresh and constantly producing a baby dairy farm, and periods of what Young Girls experience first happened to Me. I honestly thought that I finally had the chance to experience what it would be like having My own child/children and well, I was like "wow!". So even though Gary wasn't keen about having more children, when this first happened to Me, He was very supportive, and we talked about it and He said; "Okay lets see what happens". Then after a long engagement, which already felt like marriage anyway, we marry in 2015. We already knew how we felt; we've been so tight in our relationship anyway. Anyway, I'm digressing. Well, after our chat and trying to be "safe" without bc, I got the surprise of My life on April fools day 2016! For real, thats when I've been feeling weird and thought, hmm.. nah... no way. So, on a hunch, I took one of those tinkle tests. And lo and behold! Shocked and I showed Gary. We still couldn't believe it, so off to the Doctors' We went. Turned out that I was nearly 8 wks pregnant. We both, still couldn't believe it and My shock became happiness. You see, all My life, after being a glorified babysitter over My four siblings, babysitting My cousins, and an ex-friend's two boys, and since 2006 being a StepMother to Gary's children, (which I so wish that I gave birth to them and been their real Mother); I thought, okay, if this is what God's willing, GREAT, I can do it, Gary and I can do it. And It was just before I turned 40, so. Okay, lets see.
I did everything I could do to be careful, not over strain Myself, Gary was so supportive, We were just starting to choose names, and get silly by calling Him "Parsely". We were so sure We were going to have a Son. And then the early morning of Gary's Daughters' High School Graduation; May 31st 2016...BAM! Pains.. Bad ones, contractions. Damm. I knew I was going to lose this baby.
Next thing You know, I was in the ER at Shands' Hospital. Crying and still trying to stay calm. I remember distinctively praying so hard; asking God to not let Me lose this baby. Then in the same breath; honestly and truthfully, I said to God: "Not My will, but Yours Father. Not My will, Yours. You know whats best for Me.".
No sooner than I made that prayer. I was told that I lost the baby and that its heartbeat was going to ease up and stop. Poor Gary, having to be there for Me and for His Daughter on the most important day of Her life. So as He was back and forth from the Hospital to the house; which in all honestly, I told Him to do that and be there for Her. I sat in that ER and then going into a labour room. Then about an hour after Gary came back to find Me. The baby left My body and I held Him in My hands, feeling the last few moments of His breath. He left with what looked like a smile on His little face.
It took a year for us to finally collect Him at the crematory, to name Him and bury Him with a stone that We both chose. So I put this out there to maybe come to further terms. The first year after this loss, I screamed, lashed out, cried, drank alot, punished Myself and did everything I could do to NOT fall into a very bad depression. Got to the point to where I even got on an bc insert which made Me sick, so that had to go. The year after I got on ONE shot of depo, that was a bad idea too. Since Gary didnt want to have children, and I wasnt sure and still not sure; Im at the point to where its not worth even trying. But in My heart of hearts, most times Im pretty much content with that decision. Other times, I feel like this decision was made for Me. By fate. Gary hurts just as much as I do with this horrible loss, in which for Me, its hard not to look at it as My personal failure.
To Me, it is. And most days Im fine. Its the few days that Im not.
With the exception of the times I ovulate and feel like I'm on drugs with 100% insanity, fiery attitudes and anger and then crying every time I see diaper commercial. Fast forward to now, its nearly 3 years and there are times I still lash out, cry and go through My motions, and even moments of asking Gary for us to try again. Thing is, I almost died this last time and almost went paralyzed legs down. Thats what the Doctors told Me. So, to Me, this feels like once again I dont have this opportunity to have children of My own with the Man that I am truly in love with. Part of it is a stupid weak cervix. On the other hand, 20 years and probably longer, I've lived My life being just fine, being a rocker chick, crazy drummer, fun and normal without feeling the license to be cow and change like most Women seem to do when they have children. Now, I dont mean that as an insult. But they say You change, when You have children. And to be honest, I like Me the way I am. I'd rather not change. If this makes You crazy, mean and more meaner to Your Husband; NO THANKS!
Then on the other hand, I wonder if it's Gods will at all. Sometimes for Me being a Step Mother, and now a Step Grandmother, is more harder. Now, I don't blame Gary at all, and to those who say "why not ask Him?" Or "Why doesn't He?", don't look at Him like a POS. Because He is totally not and He is all that I ever wanted and dreamed for in My life.
My healing and this reversal of My age now in this way, is in My mind and heart. Hell. Its My hellhound. It's where My demons like to live. So day by day, minute to minute, My emotions, My melancholy, Me reliving like Im a teen, with all the anxt, and uncertainty, its causing Me to beef up My faith in God to see this through His way. Then there is moments of "dammit, Im going to have His children one way or another, then its "I HATE being a woman, I HATE what this has done to Me." And to be honest, its not about having children. For Me, this is about Ive become one of them. And Im starting over again in that way but at full throttle!
More to come.. Im going to go slip My headphones on and listen to Genesis...
Copywrite Ummps Bear Inc ®© 2019 -Sarajane Mary Ann Ward -All material is Mine. ©
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